Birthday Blues

Yesterday was little man's second birthday and I am sitting here in disbelief that he is already two. Where in the world did the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was staring at a positive pregnancy test in utter shock and disbelief and now I have a very rambunctious, funny, brave and determined toddler running around my house.
      Looking back on the last two years I'm incredibly proud of where Calvin is now. And incredibly overwhelmed. I had no clue what would be coming to us in that little bundle, and now I'm amazed at everything we've done. He's signing more and more, he's learning how to listen and respond to sound. He will already attach the sign "more" to the word "more" without me having to sign it first. Just today when I was doing a little speech therapy with him, I asked him to listen and he responded by raising a toy to his ear- that is his sign that he's listening. Again, he did this without me having to sign "listen".  This is huge. His hearing age is so young still, and yet he's already understanding words and associating meaning.
       I know that as Calvin continues to grow, there will be plenty of growing pains. We've experienced a few lately that left me completely baffled and feeling very alone. When we moved to Texas I had joined a play group for Moms of what I thought was supposed to be toddlers. It ended up having a wide range of babies from under 6 months to Calvin who was the oldest at 18 months old. I was a little concerned but the women were so nice and it was so wonderful to be getting to know people again.
     As the group progressed and there were more activities, I started to sense that something was amiss. We weren't clicking with everyone like I hoped we would and I felt like we were being avoided. Calvin got very sick a few more times, and with more trips to the hospital we had missed a lot of the play dates, so I just chalked it up to not being there often enough, or that I was being too insecure or trying too hard.
     Then earlier this month, we were finally able to make it to a play date. The babies were having so much fun and Calvin was just having the time of his life. Unfortunately, another mom and I had  our backs turned for two seconds and Calvin pushed her little guy over. I did everything I could to help Calvin understand what was happening and why the baby was crying and to let him know that was not OK. The other baby calmed down and resumed playing. I assumed that everything was going to be fine. When I got home I sent the other mom a message on Facebook apologizing again and telling her I hoped her little guy was well.
        The response I got was nothing if not shocking. I was so taken by surprise. She let me know that she was very upset over what had happened and that she was reluctant to bring her son to more play dates if Calvin was there. Additionally, she shared with me that other mothers were uncomfortable with him as well.
      I was so sad to read her words. I really truly had no clue that they had all felt this way about us. I wanted to fire off one of my trademark responses but I decided to cool things a little and wait. Well, the next morning when I woke up, there was an even more upsetting message for me. It was from the woman who had started the group and invited us to join. She told me that the little boy who had been hurt at the play date had suffered a concussion and that we were no longer welcome in the play group. She too let me know that the other mothers were not wanting us in the group. She had already canceled Calvin's Birthday event that I created and deleted me as a member of the group.
       Again I was shocked. First I was horrified that he had been hurt that badly. I had no clue. He seemed so fine when we left the play date. His mom even posted later on Facebook that she was taking him to the park. I was completely beside myself that we were going through this. On one hand I was furious. Seriously, THEY ARE BABIES! Accidents happen so often. It could have been any one's kiddo. It just happened to be Calvin who instigated it. On the other hand, I was completely devastated to be so fundamentally rejected. I understood the message they were sending very loud and clear: "you're not a good enough mother." They had watched Calvin going through a developmental stage before their children did because he's older, and had interpreted my patience with it to mean that I didn't care if their kiddos got roughed up. I suddenly understood why things weren't clicking.
      I cried for most of the morning and begged Rob to let me take Calvin back to Idaho for a birthday party so that he could be around the people who truly know and love him. We have no family in Texas, it's been incredibly difficult to make friends (obviously) and I wanted nothing more than to just pack up and go. I wanted to get as far away from here and the rejection and hurt that I was feeling as I could.
      I ended up staying because unfortunately it was just too expensive to go on that short of notice. The days that followed were very sad to say the least. I wish I had a little thicker skin and that I could let things like this roll off. I can't though. I take it very personal and unfortunately, that was the only was it could be taken. Being a mother is such a huge part of my being and the way I relate to the world. WAY more than I ever planned on letting it be. I guess I also struggle with this so much because dammit, for once I thought I was getting it right. I have RARELY laid my head down at night feeling like a successful parent with my other three. I felt when I had Calvin though that with the age gap and how much I had grown as a person, I was being given a second chance to do it over and do it right. I have worked so hard to do the best for Calvin that I possibly can. I actually play with him. That's something I never knew I was supposed to do with my oldest son. I'm ashamed to say it but it's true. I was so young and immature when I had him that I had NO CLUE of what it meant to help him reach developmental mile stones. It's like I just assumed it would naturally happen. Thank God that in a lot of ways, it does. And it's also a blessing that he's so incredibly intelligent. After he was diagnosed with asberger's though, there's NEVER, EVER been a day when I haven't thought it was my fault.I can intellectualize that and realize in my head that it isn't, but tell that to my guilty heart. And yet with Calvin, I felt like I had caught on. That I was finally able to rise to the occasion. Even in spite of his hearing loss and other health issues, I thought I was doing alright. We've over come so much, and worked so hard to get to where we are. I'm teaching him and helping him to learn and understand and speak and hear and sign and live and love and grow. And yet in a few messages from some unsympathetic women, I was told, "No, you're not even close to being enough. You're an awful mom."
          I wonder how many other women actually realize how detrimental "mom shaming" is. I hadn't even thought about it until this happened and didn't fully recognize it for what it was until I watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green the other night. I watched two parents desperately struggle to overcome their own sense of awkwardness, inadequacy and jealousy of other parents. They had for years been put down by their friends, families and employers in a very subtle, yet incredibly hurtful ways, usually by attacking them as parents. I realized while watching this movie that the "super parent" persona is disgusting. And completely false. THERE ARE NO SUPER PARENTS! We're ALL just dumb schmucks trying our best with what we've been given. Which, when you think about it, is a damn heavy load. I mean, just making sure they make it to age 5 without major trauma of one sort or another is getting pretty hard to do. Then managing to make it to 18 is a feat not for the faint of heart. I pray that I have never made another mother feel inferior for doing her best and loving her kids with all she's got because really, that is all I have to offer my children. I could never look down on anyone for doing at least that much. There will come a day in every child's life when they will make their parents look and or feel like an ass. I guarantee it. At some point, their babies will be toddlers and they will hit or kick or punch or bite another kid and they will feel just as mortified as I did.
      I can say that some good came of it though. One woman, out of 15, reached out to me and let me know that she wanted to continue a friendship with us and that she understood Calvin's differences and was angry about what had happened. That was a measure of grace right then, and something we desperately needed. We have since joined up at the Zoo and had such a great time. I will continue to nurture and cultivate that friendship because let's face it mama's... we got to band together. We're on the same team! It's not your kids against mine,  or mine are better than yours (mine might actually be prettier than yours though. I'm just sayin') Seriously though, this is heavy stuff that we do, and we need all the help we can get.
    In the final message I got from this little boy's mother, she said something to the effect that at the end of the day we're both mothers and that we have to protect our children. It made me sad when I read it the first time, and I offered up an apology that frankly, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of now. I let my dismay at being so horribly judged push me that much closer to wanting  and needing to be accepted. In hindsight now, a comment like that is exactly what I mean by "mom shaming." Again, I repeat, THEY ARE BABIES!! I do completely and totally feel awful that he was hurt. I would probably be upset and frustrated as well. However, I understand that you cannot take adult characteristics and project them onto a child who is simply too young to know better. He's starting, but is no where near old enough, to comprehend the impact of his actions. Therefore, the offense lays squarely on my shoulders and you know what, if it means I shelter my son from ignorance and dislike, fine. SO be it. THAT is what it means to protect your child.
    The only thing I regret about all of this is that they have failed to understand what a completely beautiful child Calvin is. That is an opportunity I want the entire world to have.