Look who's all better-ish

Update on Calvin.... So now that we have a better idea of what wasn't happening with little man, we're tentatively saying he seems to be doing much better (other than he stopped sleeping through the night, oy!) We still don't know what's at the root of his mystery illness though. It was shocking to watch him get so sick, so fast, but every test result came back negative. We were also afraid that he could be having a reaction to his cochlear implant. This of course, was our worst nightmare and the reason I didn't elaborate much. It's a heavy thing to decide to do that for your child in the first place. It's a deeply personal decision and shouldn't be made lightly. There's no one that can tell you 100% if it's right or wrong, so you go into it with a certain level of ambiguity anyway, and then to think that what we had done was hurting him.... That was unbearable. (So please, no judging here). 

Fortunately though, he has a wonderful neurotologist who was able to see him right away. At first he validated the fear that it could be his implant. At least he was honest with us. It made my stomach flip. He said it was possible that he could have had a viral infection that had somehow done further damage to his ear, or that the device was malfunctioning. Fortunately I was smart enough to have taken his cat scan from the hospital with me, and while we waited for him to look at them, we saw Calvin's old Audiologist. She tested all components of his implant and although she didn't get any NRT readings, she could not detect any abnormal signals. She put Calvin in the sound booth and he was responding well (as well as a 3 year old with limited attention can). 

We went home and waited to hear from Dr. Williamson. He called a few days later and said that as far as he could see, Calvin's implant was just fine. It was in place, he couldn't see any further damage to his inner ear or nerve and that he should be ok. 

We were so relieved to hear this, but still so perplexed. It may not have been our "worst case scenario" but we still have no idea what it was. 

Fortunately, he seems to be just fine now. Like I said, he stopped sleeping through the night which might be the death of me, and has disrupted everything, but we're doing well otherwise. We'll continue to keep an eye on him and report any new crazy symptoms to his Dr, and just keep on truckin.

When Calvin was diagnosed as Profoundly Deaf and got very sick the next day, it's not really a secret but I kind of fell apart. I tried on some levels to keep this normal but I really didn't do very well. I got depressed, I gained a LOT of weight, I pushed people out of my life and I made a mess out of my career. There are opportunities that I won't ever get back, and people I disappointed who may never feel the same about me again. I tried to do my best but really felt so lost and directionless. Calvin wasn't the only challenge we had at that time. We were newly weds with a blended family, one kiddo with some very serious issues, and a sick baby.  I wish I had done so much of that time differently. I can't go back and change it though, so I'm learning to deal with regret and move on. 

The good that did come from all of that is that I learned how much I never want to be that lost again. I have learned that I don't have to understand every hard thing we face to accept that I can rise above it. It made me want to fight and try and do better on this go round, and I'm so, so thankful for that. I have met some amazing people who have far bigger trials than we do. Like my new friend Trisha. Both of her boys lost their hearing at the same time. Did I mention this was two weeks after she had a baby?!? I'm sure she has struggled, but I've never seen it. I've seen her gather her family around her and move forward with strength and faith. I admire her more than she knows. And because I know now how bad it feels to be lost, and she has set the example of how to do it better (by "it" I mean this whole special needs parent thing) I know now that I CAN do it better. 

In the grand scheme of things, this wasn't as huge as it could have been. It might still mean something bigger is going on, but for now we're good. So good. 

We're pretty lucky to have the people in our lives that we do. We saw an outpouring of love and support for Calvin and it was awesome. Tonight when I came home from a special moms night out with some very cool mamas, I was shocked to see what looked like an impromptu birthday party going on in the living room. It was actually a huge "good vibes" care package for Calvin from everyone who works with Rob. It was incredibly sweet, and confirmed that moving to Texas might not have been as horrible as I have believed it to be. He works for some very cool people, and I'm grateful for their support. 

I am beginning to finally understand that this kiddo will always keep us on our toes, but the better news is that I finally feel like we're able to rise to the occasion and do it better.